Madness and insanity
by Hollow-Dreamer
Summary: Warning: Pointless humorIn which various Harry Potter characters act OC and many dabble in drugs. Written by a thirteen year old, you know its good for a laugh.
1. Madness and marshmellows

Snape (high, girly voice): Oh Professor, Professor, you are so beautiful! You are the most . . ..

Harry: Snapie!!!!!! What cha doin my fwend?

_**Harry sways drunkenly, and Snape stares**_

Hermione: Oh no Ron! Harry got away! He'll terrify the first years! He'll set a bad example for the prefects!!! Noooooo!!!! He'll miss history of magic!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHH!!!!!

**_Hermione goes into a mental breakdown and runs around screaming and pulling her hair . . . .Ron stares horrified_**

Ron: Well, in times like these, there's only one thing to do . . .. TAKE THE MAGIC MARSHMELLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**_Ron eats the magic marshmallows and runs drooling over to Snape and Harry._**

Ron: How ares yous my fine fewwows?

Snape (still in a really, REALLY high voice): Potter, Wesley, if I hadn't just inhaled helium, I would be very mad.

Harry: Why? (Blinks innocently and sways)

Snape: You have interrupted me in a moment of self-beautification. If I don't re-beautify myself, my greasy hair might explode!!!! Hey wait, does my hair look any bigger to you? Huh? HUH?!!!!

**_Snape's voice rises to a panicked scream and he shakes Ron really hard by the shoulders_**

Ron: I wuv you Snapie pooooh.

**_Hugs Snape while Snape turns purple _**

Harry: Pooooh? Wheres Pooh bearw? Where is HE!!!!

Snape: Hep me! Gargle, gargle, gargle . . .

**_Over by Hermione_**

Hermione: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! HARRY AND RON HAVE SKIPPED CLASS!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Oh dear what shall ve dooz man?

**_Hermione worryingly fidgets with her hands._**

Hermione: they skipped class, they skipped class, have to punish them, MUST punish them. . .what to do, what to do. . .

**_Back over by Harry, Snape and Ron._**

Snape: Weasley. Your. Squashing. Me. . . argggg!

Ron: What Snapie Pooooh? Don't you like me?

**_Ron's lower lip trembles and his eyes tear up_**

**_Harry stares off into oblivion, humming mindlessly_**

**_Hermione sneaks behind them all holding a lead pipe._**

Hermione: You skipped class! (Tears pour down her face) How, COULD you!?

Ron: Shmose we are very Zen people, and Histowee of mawgic be boring, yup.

Snape (Still in an extremely high voice): Normally I would agree with miss Granger here, but right now I was wondering if I could have a magic marshmallow?

Harry: Weel. . .alrighty ho then. . . .(Hands Snape a marshmallow.) I dooo wish our dear PHYSCO author would insert another character . . .

Snape: Wa-wa-wa-wa-HOOOOOO!!! The buzz! Ooooo . . .pretty colours!

**_Snape stares at blank air and smiles dazedly_**

Hermione (tearing her hair out): Professor! The students! Think of the poor innocent people who will be scarred by simply reading of your greasy demeanour being tainted by drugged and general highness! WILL SOMBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!!!!!

**_A huge teddy bear walks over and takes out a packet of smokes._**

Teddy: Sup my brothas?!!!

Hermione: Huh?

Harry: Wassat? Teddy?

Ron: I wuv you Snapie, I weally, WEALLY WUV you!!!!

Snape: Weasle. Are. You. GAY???!!!!! Whassafu . . .?

**_Everybody stares at the Teddy bear that's smoking._**

**_The Teddy adjusts his rings. (Wait, teddies don't have fingers, do they?)_**

Hermione: ARRRGGGG!!!!! I cant take it anymore. The nutty Professors, and NOW there's a Teddy Bear smoking in my presence!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Gargle gargle gargle . . .

Harry: Hmmm!? Teddy? TEDDY BEAWR! CUM GIVE DADDY A HUGGIE!!!!!

Teddy: ARRRGGGG!!!!!

**_Teddy runs away screaming and cursing the poor author for putting him in this crazy fic in the first place. (The poor, innocent author sobs in the face of his meanness)_**

Ron: I still wuv you Snapie pie!!!! What is it Snapie Pooooh? You're all blue!!! Snapie!? SNAPIE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**_Ron attempts to give Snape artificial resuscitation (attempts being the operative word here)_**

**_Snape becomes so blue he turns purple._**

**_Ron gets no air into Snape, probably 'cause he is still giving him a bear hug._**

**_Snape's face gets covered in Ron's spit._**

Teddy (Back from running away from Harry (Harry is tied to a nearby tree)): THIS could get interesting my fellow viewers . . . run while you still can!!

**_Snape's head lolls to one side and his lips go the same colour as his face._**

Ron: Snapie? SNAPIE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Dumbledore: I'm sorry mr Weasley, it appears our potions master is . . .dead.

Ron: What the . . .how . . .? When did you get here? Oooohhh . . .your robe is pweedy!

Dumbledore: Seeing as there are no sane people in this fic at the moment, and the teddy is not known well enough, the author decided to exercise her right to munt up and generally distort reality and put me in here to tell you that your highly regarded Potions master is dead and you should probably let go of him now . . .

Ron: Huh?

Dumbledore: Get your hands off poor Snape's waist!!!! He's dead!!!!

**_And with that, Dumbledore disappears in a cloud of lemon scented, violet coloured smoke._**

Ron (the magic marshmallows beginning to wear off): Hey look! Hawee! Snapie Pooooh FINALLY died!!!!!!

Harry: Bleh . . .Gargle, gargle, splah . . .

Ron: Her-my-own-ninny, pwetty, pwetty pwease get pour Hawee downsies!!

Hermione: Arrrrgggg!!!!!!!!!! THE SHAME, THE SHAME OF IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: Oooookkaaayyyyy

Harry: Me no wanna die mommy . . .me no WANNA!!!

Teddy: Mwahahahahaha!!!!! I have taken over this poor, pathetic, rather cuddly creatures body and now, I shall kill you all with my insane and generally crazy laugh!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: ARGGGGG, INSANE TEDDY ON THE LOOSE! INSANE TEDDY ON THE LOOSE!!!!

Ron: Who arez youz? And how can a laugh kill somebody?

**_Ron unties Harry_**

Teddy/Voldemort: I am Lord Voldemort of course!!!! Mwahahahahaha! Now, prepare to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry: He. Hehe. Hehehehehe

**_Voldemort lurches sideways_**

Voldemort: WHAT is so funny? Mwahahahahaha!!!?

Harry: Hehehehe. Hehehehehehehehehehehehe. You, hehehehe, are, hehehehehe

**_Voldemort falls to the ground and his arm drops off. Because this is meant to be a PG fic, for some strange reason, no blood comes out of his arm (A/N: Think when Van Helsing cut off Mr Hyde's arm at the start of the movie)_**

Voldemort: A laugh to the death then, is it? Fine. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, (Insert HUGE gasp of air sounds) hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Voldemort: Okay I think I've made my point now . . .does anyone have a cough drop?

Harry: Now, Its my turn . . . (Insert Dum Dum DUM music of your choice) He. Hehe. Hehehe. Heheheheh. Hehehehehehehe. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. . . .Cough cough

Harry: Oh god! I see what you mean . . .water, need water!!!!

**_Harry runs over to the pond that just happens to be right next to him, and jumps in, drinking huge amounts of lake water which the evil author knows is where the contents of Moaning Myrtles toilet ends up . . .Author laughs evilly._**

**_Voldemort lies in the conveniently placed pile of donkey pooh and Hermione laughs while she evilly stomps on the remaining magic marshmallows. Ron screams in anguish at the loss of his precious marshmallows._**

Ron: NOOOOO!!!! THE MAGIC MARSHMELLOWS!!!!!!! WHY?! WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: Marshmallows are bad; they make you set a bad example for the first years. (Hermione's lower lip trembles) What about the CHILDREN?!!!!!!!!!!!!

**_Hermione YET AGAIN goes into a mental breakdown, this time repeatedly running about like a chicken and jumping into the lake._**

Voldemort: My, only, weakness. Evil author, why DONKEY POOH?!!!! Gargle, gargle, gargle . . .

**_And so, lying in the mud, while his arch nemesis gulps pounds of water mixed with excrement, Lord Voldemort, Tom Riddle the Second, died. May he rest in utter turmoil!!!!_**

Harry: Mwahahahahaha!!!!!!! I have finally defeated my rival!!!!!!!! I am FREEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**_Harry does a little happy dance._**

Ron: Why did you do it Hermione? The marshmallows, beautiful marshmallows. .

**_Ron goes off to make a grave for his beloved squashed marshmallows._**

Hermione: So many people had to die today. . .wait. I don't care about Voldie or Snape!!!! What was I thinking!? Damn you stupid author, bad dialogue, dumb script.

**_Author momentarily beams Dumbledore in_**

Dumbledore: The author wants me to tell you that she controls this universe and if she wanted, she could have you trampled to death by a raging heard of lamas.

**_Dumbledore vanishes._**

Hermione: Ah screw you! You know this fic is about to end.

Author: Dammit

**_Snape and Voldie mysteriously arise from the dead, Ron returns from his morning, Harry stops doing the moonwalk and Hermione shuts up long enough to get in line with the rest of them._**

Everyone: Thank you whoever you are! And . . .GoodNIGHT!!!!!

**A/N: Thank you all for reading my insane and generally weird nonsense fic. This IS a one shot so don't go and ask me to update in your reviews. . .you are going to review, aren't you?**

**Now. Review. Review. REVIEW!!!! Goddammit!!! Why aren't you reviewing?!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**I'm watching you. . .always watching you. . .move you mouse that tiny amount of about three inches and click that little purple button. . .**

**Thank you ladies and gentlemen! And goodnight.**

**Merry Christmas! **


	2. Alternate endings and llamas

Snape (high, girly voice): Oh Professor, Professor, you are so beautiful! You are the most . . ..

Harry: Snapie!!!!!! What cha doin my fwend?

_**Harry sways drunkenly, and Snape stares**_

Hermione: Oh no Ron! Harry got away! He'll terrify the first years! He'll set a bad example for the prefects!!! Noooooo!!!! He'll miss history of magic!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHH!!!!!

_**Hermione goes into a mental breakdown and runs around screaming and pulling her hair . . . .Ron stares horrified**_

Ron: Well, in times like these, there's only one thing to do . . .. TAKE THE MAGIC MARSHMELLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**Ron eats the magic marshmallows and runs drooling over to Snape and Harry.**_

Ron: How ares yous my fine fewwows?

Snape (still in a really, REALLY high voice): Potter, Wesley, if I hadn't just inhaled helium, I would be very mad.

Harry: Why? (Blinks innocently and sways)

Snape: You have interrupted me in a moment of self-beautification. If I don't re-beautify myself, my greasy hair might explode!!!! Hey wait, does my hair look any bigger to you? Huh? HUH?!!!!

**_Snape's voice rises to a panicked scream and he shakes Ron really hard by the shoulders_**

Ron: I wuv you Snapie pooooh.

_**Hugs Snape while Snape turns purple **_

Harry: Pooooh? Wheres Pooh bearw? Where is HE!!!!

Snape: Hep me! Gargle, gargle, gargle . . .

_**Over by Hermione**_

Hermione: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! HARRY AND RON HAVE SKIPPED CLASS!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Oh dear what shall ve dooz man?

_**Hermione worryingly fidgets with her hands.**_

Hermione: they skipped class, they skipped class, have to punish them, MUST punish them. . .what to do, what to do. . .

_**Back over by Harry, Snape and Ron.**_

Snape: Weasley. Your. Squashing. Me. . . argggg!

Ron: What Snapie Pooooh? Don't you like me?

**_Ron's lower lip trembles and his eyes tear up_**

_**Harry stares off into oblivion, humming mindlessly**_

_**Hermione sneaks behind them all holding a lead pipe.**_

Hermione: You skipped class! (Tears pour down her face) How, COULD you!?

Ron: Shmose we are very Zen people, and Histowee of mawgic be boring, yup.

Snape (Still in an extremely high voice): Normally I would agree with miss Granger here, but right now I was wondering if I could have a magic marshmallow?

Harry: Weel. . .alrighty ho then. . . .(Hands Snape a marshmallow.) I dooo wish our dear PHYSCO author would insert another character . . .

Snape: Wa-wa-wa-wa-HOOOOOO!!! The buzz! Ooooo . . .pretty colours!

_**Snape stares at blank air and smiles dazedly**_

Hermione (tearing her hair out): Professor! The students! Think of the poor innocent people who will be scarred by simply reading of your greasy demeanour being tainted by drugged and general highness! WILL SOMBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!!!!!

_**A huge teddy bear walks over and takes out a packet of smokes.**_

Teddy: Sup my brothas?!!!

Hermione: Huh?

Harry: Wassat? Teddy?

Ron: I wuv you Snapie, I weally, WEALLY WUV you!!!!

Snape: Weasle. Are. You. GAY???!!!!! Whassafu . . .?

**_Everybody stares at the Teddy bear that's smoking._**

**_The Teddy adjusts his rings. (Wait, teddies don't have fingers, do they?)_**

Hermione: ARRRGGGG!!!!! I cant take it anymore. The nutty Professors, and NOW there's a Teddy Bear smoking in my presence!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Gargle gargle gargle . . .

Harry: Hmmm!? Teddy? TEDDY BEAWR! CUM GIVE DADDY A HUGGIE!!!!!

Teddy: ARRRGGGG!!!!!

_**Teddy runs away screaming and cursing the poor author for putting him in this crazy fic in the first place. (The poor, innocent author sobs in the face of his meanness)**_

Ron: I still wuv you Snapie pie!!!! What is it Snapie Pooooh? You're all blue!!! Snapie!? SNAPIE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**Ron attempts to give Snape artificial resuscitation (attempts being the operative word here)**_

_**Snape becomes so blue he turns purple.**_

**_Ron gets no air into Snape, probably 'cause he is still giving him a bear hug._**

**_Snape's face gets covered in Ron's spit._**

Teddy (Back from running away from Harry (Harry is tied to a nearby tree)): THIS could get interesting my fellow viewers . . . run while you still can!!

**_Snape's head lolls to one side and his lips go the same colour as his face._**

Ron: Snapie? SNAPIE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Dumbledore: I'm sorry mr Weasley, it appears our potions master is . . .dead.

Ron: What the . . .how . . .? When did you get here? Oooohhh . . .your robe is pweedy!

Dumbledore: Seeing as there are no sane people in this fic at the moment, and the teddy is not known well enough, the author decided to exercise her right to munt up and generally distort reality and put me in here to tell you that your highly regarded Potions master is dead and you should probably let go of him now . . .

Ron: Huh?

Dumbledore: Get your hands off poor Snape's waist!!!! He's dead!!!!

_**And with that, Dumbledore disappears in a cloud of lemon scented, violet coloured smoke.**_

Ron (the magic marshmallows beginning to wear off): Hey look! Hawee! Snapie Pooooh FINALLY died!!!!!!

Harry: Bleh . . .Gargle, gargle, splah . . .

Ron: Her-my-own-ninny, pwetty, pwetty pwease get pour Hawee downsies!!

Hermione: Arrrrgggg!!!!!!!!!! THE SHAME, THE SHAME OF IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: Oooookkaaayyyyy

Harry: Me no wanna die mommy . . .me no WANNA!!!

Teddy: Mwahahahahaha!!!!! I have taken over this poor, pathetic, rather cuddly creatures body and now, I shall kill you all with my insane and generally crazy laugh!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: ARGGGGG, INSANE TEDDY ON THE LOOSE! INSANE TEDDY ON THE LOOSE!!!!

Ron: Who arez youz? And how can a laugh kill somebody?

_**Ron unties Harry**_

Teddy/Voldemort: I am Lord Voldemort of course!!!! Mwahahahahaha! Now, prepare to DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry: He. Hehe. Hehehehehe

_**Voldemort lurches sideways**_

Voldemort: WHAT is so funny? Mwahahahahaha!!!?

Harry: Hehehehe. Hehehehehehehehehehehehe. You, hehehehe, are, hehehehehe

**_Voldemort falls to the ground and his arm drops off. Because this is meant to be a PG fic, for some strange reason, no blood comes out of his arm (A/N: Think when Van Helsing cut off Mr Hyde's arm at the start of the movie)_**

Voldemort: A laugh to the death then, is it? Fine. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, (Insert HUGE gasp of air sounds) hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Voldemort: Okay I think I've made my point now . . .does anyone have a cough drop?

Harry: Now, Its my turn . . . (Insert Dum Dum DUM music of your choice) He. Hehe. Hehehe. Heheheheh. Hehehehehehehe. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. . . .Cough cough

Harry: Oh god! I see what you mean . . .water, need water!!!!

_**Harry runs over to the pond that just happens to be right next to him, and jumps in, drinking huge amounts of lake water which the evil author knows is where the contents of Moaning Myrtles toilet ends up . . .Author laughs evilly.**_

_**Voldemort lies in the conveniently placed pile of donkey pooh and Hermione laughs while she evilly stomps on the remaining magic marshmallows. Ron screams in anguish at the loss of his precious marshmallows.**_

Ron: NOOOOO!!!! THE MAGIC MARSHMELLOWS!!!!!!! WHY?! WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione: Marshmallows are bad; they make you set a bad example for the first years. (Hermione's lower lip trembles) What about the CHILDREN?!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**Hermione YET AGAIN goes into a mental breakdown, this time repeatedly running about like a chicken and jumping into the lake.**_

Voldemort: My, only, weakness. Evil author, why DONKEY POOH?!!!! Gargle, gargle, gargle . . .

_**And so, lying in the mud, while his arch nemesis gulps pounds of water mixed with excrement, Lord Voldemort, Tom Riddle the Second, died. May he rest in utter turmoil!!!!**_

Harry: Mwahahahahaha!!!!!!! I have finally defeated my rival!!!!!!!! I am FREEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**Harry does a little happy dance.**_

Ron: Why did you do it Hermione? The marshmallows, beautiful marshmallows. .

_**Ron goes off to make a grave for his beloved squashed marshmallows.**_

Hermione: So many people had to die today. . .wait. I don't care about Voldie or Snape!!!! What was I thinking!? Damn you stupid author, bad dialogue, dumb script.

_**Author momentarily beams Dumbledore in**_

Dumbledore: The author wants me to tell you that she controls this universe and if she wanted, she could have you trampled to death by a raging heard of lamas.

_**Dumbledore vanishes.**_

Hermione: Ah screw you! You know this fic is about to end.

Author: Actually. . .

_**Inset dumb dumb DUMB music and bite your nails people!**_

Hermione (Suddenly nervous): What? WHAT!? TELLL MMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

_**Hemione reaches a hand out of the authors computer screen and grabs the very very scared author by the throat.**_

Author: Garg, garlge, blehm, blehmg. Bleh. . .

_**Hermione has unwittingly killed the author, and in doing so has completly munted up the universe of this fanfic.**_

_**A giant herd of mutant raging LAMAS appear and begin to trample Hermione under thei huge car sized hooves.**_

Hermione: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!HEEEEEEEPPPPPP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! GAG GARGLE BLEH alkdj glkajg oei. Oh, #(&

_**And so, That is how Hermione dies, trampled to death by a herd of raging mutant lamas.**_

Harry: Hey. . .who are yooooouuu?!

Voice over: I am the pre-recorded voice over that the author left behind. Now that she is dead i am FREEE!!!!!! Prepare to die evil alien SCUM!!!!!

_**A very T.V looking couple appear out of thin air and begin to make goo goo faces at each other.**_

_**Harry and Ron simultaineously puke**_

_**The couple start kissing and romantic, sickening, lovey dovey music fills the air.**_

_**Harry and Ron try to shut their eyes, only to find that they cant.**_

_**They then run screaming back to where Ron had buried the beloved marshmellows and manage to salvage two squashed ones from the grave.**_

_**They take the marshmellows, and walk back to the couple.**_

Harry: Ron my fwendy?

Ron: Yesh Hawwee me buddwee?

Harry: I dont know. . .

_**Harry and Ron start of dance the moonwalk again, with Michel Jackson playing in the background.**_

_**The couple run screaming from the glade.**_

_**The author returns from the dead, and promptly starts whacking the voice-over with her backpack for letting things get this out of hand**_

_**The voice-over runs around the fanfic universe screaming**_

_**The couple fall into a random volcanoe and die**_

Everybodies voice: We wish you a merry something we wish you a merry something we WISH you a merry something and hope that we die!

Goodnight everybody! Or goodmorning, depending on how you look at it, i wonder what time it is in sweeden right now. . .hmmm

**A/N: I know it says revised on the chapter list but its really just an alternate ending. I think the ending is MUCH better than the first, but i figured i might as well leave the origonel one on. Soooo. . .tell me what you think, I only got like three reviews on the last chapter!!! WAaaaa!**

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**Thank you, thats right, press that little purple button. . . .**


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